Things I learned from rescuing a kitten.

There is nothing like waking up an hour early with tiny paws walking on your face, thinking awwww he loves me, only to discover he just came from the litter box.

You have to "child proof" the entire house one pen/paper/waste basket/plastic bag at a time.

No amount of shooing will get him out of your hair but pick up a camera and he magically disappears.

Buy him a toy and he will play with the bag it came in. Give him a bag and he will only stare at it.

The volume of poop coming out is five times greater than the volume of food going in.

If he is awake when you empty the litter box he will take a dump in at least two different rooms during those three minutes.

That will be the only time during the week that he is not in the same room you are.

Some kittens never ever meow....not even once.

If you are reading it, he is standing on it.

Money may buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail. - Lyle Brown

The Most Interesting Question Ever

Were you ever impelled to answer a question that just didn't have a good answer? That's when it's time to put yourself in the shoes of the inquisitor.

When I enlisted in the Navy they wanted me in electronics. I was interested in submarines or cryptology but these vacancies required shipping out immediately. The wait for aviation was an entire year but given that Sandy was pregnant and we had a house to sell I really didn't have much choice. I learned some interesting differences concerning the screening process. Submariners in the nuclear fleet mostly went under the waves as they left port and never surfaced, even for several months, until they returned. If the enemy got their hands on you it would be most likely because you were already dead. Aviation electronics personnel on P-3's were similar because we flew over open ocean, did not wear parachutes, and lived on secure military bases. But many cryptology techs had a different concern. They were often stationed in countries like Greece, Italy, and Turkey where even government officials were occasionally snatched off the street. The odds of this were slim but there might be added precautions such as growing facial hair and wearing civilian clothing. But the really fascinating tidbit was a sample question from the screening process....."If you were kidnapped for information and every relative and person you know was paraded in front of you with a gun to their head who would you give up national secrets for?" My immediate answer was, "My wife and children." He said, "Is that all?" I said yes. It was only hypothetical but I figured that answer was not what they were looking for. To my surprise it was the perfect answer. Anyone outside of spouse, parents, or children would get you tossed. If I had said mom or dad, I would get relegated to the "maybe" bin, which is the same as getting tossed, unless only one parent was alive and they were my next of kin. Even if your grandparents raised you they were still out. If I had NOT mentioned my spouse and children I would be eliminated for being a psycho. And if I had still given the perfect answer but taken a few seconds to make the list I would be relegated to the "maybes". They preferred people that did not have to think about it. 'Tis better to have the correct answer in your gut than in your head.

I asked the fellow, "What if I had given the perfect answer on this test and later the event really DID happen putting my wife and child in peril. What would the Navy want, hope, or expect me to do?" His response....."Sorry, that question doesn't have an answer." I thought he was just avoiding the question until I had spent a few years in the fleet with the constant training and discipline even during times when it didn't make sense. He was just saying that he could only control the selection process. After that, it was up to me and there was no answer that was always going to be correct.

I know it was all hypothetical and maybe they were being dramatic but once the motivation was revealed it became the most interesting question, albeit a disturbing one, that I've ever been asked.

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. - James Thurber

p.s. This may sound too intense but what about Sophie's choice? That would be the easiest question ever for me. If the Nazi was serious, and most of them were, I would not. It would just eliminate one life and destroy the others. I would only offer my own life. When my kids and I taste each others desserts we do not wash the spoons.

Three Ninja Turtle Episodes

How do you measure time? As a teacher I was very good at ending the lesson seconds before the bell rang. Sometimes the lady teachers were secretly counting the number of class periods left until they could make a dash for the rest room. It seems as time shrinks so do the units. In the fall time was measured by how many grade reports left to generate before the two week Christmas break. In the winter it was how many weeks left to prepare for statewide testing. In the spring it was how many days left in the school year to complete the curriculum. Near the end it was that one especially challenging class....only 9 more 6th periods left! Even so, the traditional clock is running in the background and I am usually not as surprised as I claim to be when I find that time as "flown".

A child's notion of time is appropriate to their experience. A year to a ten year old child is one tenth of his life but the same to a fifty year old man is one fiftieth of his life. A child has little or no concept of delayed gratification. OK....I know many adults who don't have a grip on that either. Anywayzzz, when visiting the neighborhood pool I did not surprise the kids when it was time to leave nor did I tell them they had ten minutes left. I borrowed a practice from my own dad and chose something they could count. "You can all jump in the pool three more times and then we have to go." Yeah they stretched it out but I planned for that too. One place my dad could not help us was in the car. He would drive over a thousand miles at a time stopping only for restrooms. There was no use asking him if we were there yet because we were never going to be there. For my own kids I drew on their experience with television. They had a concept of how long cartoon shows lasted. There were no videos in cars back in those days but if we still had an hour and a half left on the drive and the girls asked how much longer until we get there I would say "the same time as three Ninja Turtle episodes." Worked like a charm.

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear. - unknown

The verdict is in....

....and it is "sometimes". I'm speaking of emoticons. Those sometimes welcome but often annoying symbols displaying emotions in your emails. There are a few I must use or I would have no friends. My sense of humor has a wide range and when it gets to the dry/sarcastic end of the spectrum even my best friends aren't sure if I am joking or not. There is no voice or body language. I rely on just one symbol....

:-) or ha ha....happy or agreeable or mildly amused

I do use some others while on pages like Facebook reserved solely for the benefit of my friends that are internet addicts....such as OMG or LOL. But I draw the line at things that are never going to happen like ROTFLMAO. I mean really, did your ass just fall off and if you are on the floor why are you still typing instead of looking for your missing ass. If it's that funny let's get on the phone so we can really pee in our pants. I'm all for that. Finally, I must admit to a new addition that Judy used yesterday. It is the only emoticon that ever made me laugh of it's own accord. It has no use except to make me smile.....

:-(l) It's a monkey!

I hope something makes you smile today. :-)

Itty Bitty

This itty bitty Cub Scout was selling popcorn tins in front of Hobby Lobby. I made him go through all his wares and tell me everything. He went slowly over the prices and what was inside....very slowly and pausing often to think it through. His mom and brothers standing behind him were slowly nodding their heads and silently mouthing the words as he went. Did I mention he went slowly? I pointed at a tin and handed him a bill and everyone shouted in unison "He did it by himself!" It was so funny but he really did.

They grow up so fast!

Last summer I was parked in the Home Depot parking lot at night getting some stuff together before I went in. I noticed this cat come out from underneath the pallets in front of the outdoor gardening section and thought what a cool place for a stray cat to live. A few seconds later and at least 15 feet behind the first kitten popped out and followed the mom down the front of the store toward the other far end. Like clockwork, one kitten after another emerged from the same spot the same distance apart. There were about eight to ten of them. No fear. Just trotting in a line that stretched the length of the store. I saw them two more times. A few months ago I was walking into the HEB at night and I heard a car honk, one of those half honks that happen by accident. There was a car parked between the grocery store and the Home Depot. It was covered with "teen aged" cats playing tag on the hood and harassing the driver. He was waving an arm out the window. The cats thought he was joining in and were attacking his arm. Last night I saw several adult cats strolling around the garden section as if they didn't know each other. They grow up so fast.

Santa Baby....

My birthday card from Desilu. (click to enlarge)

One evil queen that doesn't seem to impress Desi. (click to enlarge)

I was never enamored of costumed characters. I did not like robots, ventriloquist's dummies, clowns, department store Santa's, dancing characters at Disneyland, etc. I especially was not fond of Santas with their gin blossoms and wool suits that smelled of Chesterfields and the sweat of every other Santa who had used the suit that season. When asked what I wanted this year my thought was usually, "Off this lap, thank you!" My kids did not like clowns at all especially after Stephen King's IT was made into a movie. As a toddler Desiree squirmed and cried while her mom tried to get a photo of her with Mickey. She got that from me. I loved Halloween type get ups but was deathly afraid of anything in a costume that totally hid whoever or whatever was wearing it.

One day when they were quite small we were enjoying a day in the neighborhood pool when they spotted something on the bottom. Since I was squatting in four feet of water I just reached down and brought up a baby's head. Little girl screams all around. It was a doll's head, no body, and no hair. Not especially evil but quite startling. I don't know where that head is today but after twenty years I believe it is still making surprise appearances in Christmas presents between the girls. A few years ago I was in the video store and saw a two movie disc with a photo for each on the front. Once photo was an evil clown with blood dripping from his pointy teeth and the other was a pile of baby doll heads exactly like ours. I can't believe I did not rent that movie just so I could scan the cover.

When I was a teen and working a Boy Scout Expo I had to wear a gorilla suit for the "amusement" of children. One little girl was anxious and about to cry so I showed her who was inside. When she saw the gorilla rip off his own head and saw me inside she screamed bloody murder....thought the gorilla ate the man. I should have seen that coming.

99% of department store Santas give the rest a bad name.